“Oh, dear. I’m afraid you’ve made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch.”
– Glinda the Good to Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
Well, hello, my friends.
When I posted the last batch of lovely photos in the wee hours of the morning, I was making an attempt to be sort of Zen, but this evening, I’m all through Letting Things Be and I’m in the mood for a little venting. It could be that Gardener Crankypants is finally rearing his head, and hopefully you won’t be too shocked by this turn of events. But I shall try to keep it amusing, if possible and then we’ll move on to other, better things.
You see, now that Drunky McDrunkerson finally got it through his head that I was leaving, we have cast aside the bullshit illusion of “I’m going nowhere without you and I’ll never drink again.” and he decided to turn it around to save face and throw me out. After a day of silence at work (except for a rather cruel comment about having to put the dog to sleep thanks to my decision to leave…fear not for Em, he has no intention of doing it, only to hurt me with the words…) I came home to him in full intoxication mode, having destroyed every framed photo of us that ever existed…and railing about everything that’s wrong with me and my family and my world view.
Yep, he’s on the bottle again and actually, I found out he’d never actually left it, which I sort of figured. I have to say, his words don’t have the power over me that they once did, I felt no sick to my stomach feeling, nothing gnawing at me, and (since he was chain-smoking throughout the night) only the slightest twinge about wanting a cigarette. (I reached the Fifty Day landmark at 3:00 a.m., and with that approaching, there was no way I was going to give in. And maybe, just maybe, I was enjoying the second-hand thing…)
But no, that power over me is gone and all he really did (though he’d be royally pissed to know it)was offer a curative for the sadness I was feeling about having instigated the break-up. Indeed, I have never seen quite so clearly that I was following exactly the right path and so let him have the rant I knew he needed while I methodically worked through various parts of my environment, packing as I went…pausing here and there for a few Altoids or a sip of water (the humidity of Hanna was already closing in about us).
I slept for a few hours whilst he did the same, and was up bright and early to pack the car – computer first, of course; I know my priorities, bad monitor or not – and was off to the new digs, where I arranged to move in today, ten days early. They were a little disappointed not to have the time to do the cleaning and painting they wanted to in advance of my tenancy, but we worked out a nice deal in that regard…and so now I’ll get that done myself, in exchange for no rent ’til the 15th.
My good kharma came back to me when I tried to borrow a friend’s van to make better use of my car trips and ended up with a pair of hunky Brazilian friends (perhaps you remember Chicao and Jesu from the party a few weeks back) and the dumptruck from the landscaping company they work at and we made relatively short work of moving my more substantial things…furniture, what boxes were packed, outdoor furniture, lawn mower, mountain bike, etc.
It was a truly moist day, as I found myself working through a few rather heavy bands of rain, and simply sweating through clothes the rest of the time from the intense humidity in advance of our tropical visitor, Hanna. But I have to say I feel so good about it all. Come what may, I’ve found the place I need to be, to rediscover who I am and to explore and celebrate the world around me.
There remains more to be done and I will be back there at Not Wisteria Lane again tomorrow, when the Ex is at work and it’s easier to get more accomplished in some sense of calm. As it was today, he “helped” by heaping all my remaining stuff into a great pile, edging it all closer to the gathering storm outside, which now must be sorted through before packing. Gee, thanks. I’ve got most of what’s truly important and I’ll be back to go through the rest later.
At some point later in the week when he’s working, I’ll pot up some plants. Most definitely including that amazing canna lily.
I’m glad I thought to root through the kitchen trash last night looking for one or two of those missing photographs, as I discovered that he’d thrown away a few of my fridge magnets, too. Truly, it’s a trivial thing, but he’s always been bugged by my comic book hobby and so I found the Superman magnet in there…but also another that I bought a year or so ago, that has come to have some deeper meaning for me. Perhaps he realized that this one was somewhat of a catalyst for the decisions I’ve recently come to.
I’ll be putting it on the fridge at the Gardener’s Nest tonight when I head home (I’m at work just now–no internet connection has yet been arranged for the new pad), but I’d like to share it’s message with you, as I begin this new chapter.
“Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Play with abandon.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.”
Mary Anne Radmacher.
(Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a kitty exploring the new nest who’ll surely be missing me, and I have some needful things to get at the grocery first before heading home to snuggle in with him and listen to Hanna pass by in the night.
The photo, by the way, features the three things I brought first into the apartment: an angel statue my Granny made in her ceramics class, my African violet, and an elephant with his trunk up for luck, which always reminds me of my dear Aunt Madelyn, who loved elephants as I do, and always encouraged us to find the pleasure in the smallest bit of Life.)